This is somethings I’ve not really talked about before because it is sensitive to my heart. But its been heavy on me here lately and I think I need to talk about it. I know my over my years of my life I’ve went through hundreds of emotions on this topic and I’m sure I’m not the only one to have gone through an experience of sorts.
So in July I got to have lunch with my brother, Matt. It was supposed to be a quick hour lunch because I knew he had things to get to but it turned into almost 3 hours and my heart was about to burst. So why is this a big deal? Well, if you’ve read my first few post you’ll know that my mother gave up my brother for adoption (within our family line) when I was just 15 months old and Matt was just a few months old). I never got to know him, never made memories with him, never got to celebrate birthdays together, fight each other, take up for him, pick on him, or tell him just how much I loved him. I never got to experience what so many siblings take for granted. My mom was a young single parent in the 1980’s and it was hard for her to have two young children. Matt had medical issues and mom was broke and had no one to help her. There were a lot of different factors I imagine that led her to the choices she made. But either way I was deprived of my life with my biological brother.
I was so angry with my mother for so long. Because there was never a real solid reason in my opinion of why it was OK or good enough to do what she did. I never seen how it wasn’t worth finding a way to keep him. I can’t imagine giving one of my 4 children to someone simply because life was too damm hard. I slammed her with questions my whole life and never got the answers I was looking for; never! And this was OK? No it just wasn’t. Want to know what made it worse? He grew up in the town I did, he had friends that I had, he went to schools that I did; until they home schooled him. I told all my closest friends about him hoping one day something would happen. I drove by his house, mom and I left birthday cards and gifts and letters with no avail.
When I was a teen a tried to go see him. Pull right up in the drive way of his home and they turned me away. My whole life I had made a goal and a promise that by the time I was 19 years old I would meet my brother face to face.
And it happen. My best friend (at the time) was actually a good friend of his. She secretly for months made arrangements for us to meet. Surprising me one day by asking me to come to the mall and meet her for lunch she changed my life forever. I walked into the lunch area of the mall and she met me and told me she wanted met to meet someone. She walked me right up to my brother and introduced us.
It was one of the single most amazing moments of my life.
Hours of talking and watching him hold my son and pinching myself to be sure it wasn’t a dream. Ever since then we kept in contact and talked, but as life moments we have not spent much in person time together. So July was another great moment. Matt is someone who even know I barely know I love more than words can explain. During our visit it took all I had not to be in constant tears. Seeing the way he talked, moved, laughed, and had a incredibly similar sense of humor. He looks so much like (our) mother but tall like (our) dad. He has those blue eyes we are known for and that butt chin too 🙂 There is so much of our parents that I see in him and so much of me that I see in him.
I was worried that there would be an awkwardness to our lunch date or that we wouldn’t be able to hold conversation. But in fact it was the opposite and that made my day. We laughed and talked and in just a few hours learned so much about one another. It was incredible how easy it all was. Matt brought his girlfriend with him and she was just a doll and honestly helped to ease any awkwardness that might have lingered. There were moments I caught myself just sitting and staring and observing him ( though I hope he didn’t notice or find it odd). There is so much I want to know about him I want to know and so much about me I want him to know.
I want him to know that I’m sorry. Sorry for not being able to get to him sooner. Sorry that it was him and not me. Sorry that we couldn’t grow up together. Sorry for any pain or anger he feels. Sorry for everything. Even though it’s not my fault I’m still sorry.
I hope he isn’t mad or resentful towards me. I hope he wants to know me as much as I do him. I hope he still feels an amount of love for me like I do him. I hope that he will continue to keep me in his life.
I hope that he knows I love him like he has been there in my everyday life even though he wasn’t .
I am no longer mad at my mother because of what happened. I know that life is hard as a single parent. In today’s day and age there are so many resources and options for single parents. But in 1980 not so much and it made things worse. I know she loved him just as much as me and not a ounce less, but he had the opportunity to have a better life and though it was almost both of us, it ended with just him. He grew up in two story big house, had all the finer things in life, and anything money could buy. I grew up bouncing house to house, running, life of drugs and chaos. But my mother showered me with love and affection and tired with all her might to give me all she could. It was hard and it was rough and it was the opposite of his life. We talked of him and I watched my mother cry and beat herself up over not having her son.
Experiencing life as a single mother is hard and it is something I wouldn’t imagine doing it alone like she did. I know if she had other options she would have taken them and I hope he knows that.
I have him now and I will never let him go again. I want to know all that I can about him and I want him to know how much I love him. He is and always will be my baby brother, even if he 4 times my size 🙂
One thing is talent runs in our family along with lifestyle. Matt loves the beach life and the traveling life. And his talent in photography is astounding! It is awesome that we have that passion of photography together. And he is so good at it! Hopefully I can share it with you one day! 🙂 for now I have to go. But here is a picture of us that day at lunch!
Go ahead and bask in how damm handsome he is! Oh and that we have awesome butt chins! lol
My brother and I July 2015
Until next time!
{SMT}
Single Mom Talk 