Divorce | How to help the kids transition

So as a single mother or even a single father we are always faced with how to create a newfound relationship with the other parent (should they still be involved) for the children. Once the breakup/divorce takes place and the schedules set into place we are not done with seeing the other person. It’ll continue at least until the child(ren) reaches 18 and there is no real escaping this. Nevertheless, it is best to find a happy medium between the two of you for the kids and find yourselves developing a new kind of relationship.

Parent’s splitting is always hard on the kids and having the parents fight and hate each other only makes it that much worse. But understanding & compromise is necessary. This can seem almost impossible for some especially if there was a lot of animosity between you & the X. Between the anger, hurt, & tears  we forget to remember how important it is to help the kids make the transition painlessly. 

However, it’s possible & though there is no right or wrong way to make it happen there are things we can keep in mind to help everyone in the situation cope. 

  • Don’t fight | This is so important! In most cases there was enough of that during the relationship so make it stop now. Or if you must, then don’t let them see you fight. Keep things simple & kid centered & this should be fairly easy. 
  • Don’t use the kids | This will be the biggest mistake either of you could ever do! Using the kids against the other parent will only hurt the kids & not help anyone. The kids will only grow to resent you both. The hurt has already been done. Don’t let it continue.
  • Don’t make them choose | They love you BOTH & that is OK! A child should never be put in a situation to have to choose a parent. You both matter, you both are needed, & you both can share! 
  • Choose your words wisely | Always remember that they are listening, even when you think they aren’t. Hearing bad things about the X can damage them & you. No matter your opinion on the X thiers should always be thier own. In hearing you say nasty things they can form that same opinion & it is unnecessary. 
  • Be reasonable | Be reasonable in all things you do as parents. Child support, visits, events, conversations, disagreements, choices you must make for the kids. Just be reasonable. 
  • Talk to the kids | I think this is the most important of all! Ask them how they are feeling, if they have any questions, if they are hurting. Make sure they know how important they are to you both and that they are loved just the same. 

These are just a few suggestions of how to handle the transition with kids involved. I learned these things the hard way. And even still it’s hard. Some days I don’t always do as I should. But I do try & have found these things to work the best.

My 4 littles know it’s OK to love their dad & have formed their own opinions on him solely on his actions and words alone. I’m not saying I don’t slip up but I managed to keep things right within thier little minds. I’m not so certain that these type of suggestions are honored while they are with J but I can only hope he keeps them in mind when he had them there. 

This is coming on year # 5 being divorced so I’m still probably considered new to this but I hope that what I have learned can help someone else in some way. 

What works for you? What suggestions do you have? 

That’s all for now! 

{Single Mom Talk} 

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Hello 2017! 

Wow. 2016 is over. 

Finally!!! 

I have never, I repeat NEVER been so ready to put a year behind me. 2016 was a horrible year for me. I went thru things I never thought I’d go thru. I lost people who were very dear me, fought DHR, moved too many times, cried to much, was angry to many times, and faced many disappointments & failures. 

Altogether, it was a bad year. Of course I’m not oblivious to the many blessings I was given in 2016 as well. My health, my children’s health, my family & thier health. Many good memories & laughs. And most importantly my life & those I love lives. I’ll never take those for granted. 

Single Mom Talk

With all that being said I still am glad to see the year go. I feel like with the new year I can have a fresh start and new found outlook. Don’t you? I am able to take a moment to sit back and review the year previous and see what I need/want to change and get my head right again. I so badly needed this new year. 

Many people I follow are delcaring themes for thier year in 2017 for what they want most. Such as the year of Happiness or Change or Success & Love. And for all of 2017 they plan to strive for those exact things the entire year. I LOVE this ideal! I definitely have to get on this wagon and give myself a theme for 2017! 

So what is it going to be? What do I want most for 2017? Do I want Change? Happiness? Success? Consistency? Love? Gratitude? Right now I’m not sure, honestly. I know I want something better. I want things to be brighter and smoother. But I don’t know if, I can put an exact word(s) on it before I make up my mind on it! But I wanted to share the idea! And I hope some of you will do this with me. Tell me what you are declaring for yourself and your family in 2017 & share with me by coming back to post your links so I can check them out. 

I’ll be taking a few days to think on it but once I decide I’ll let y’all know and update you throughout 2017 on how I’m accomplishing it! 

I strayed off a bit last year on my writing and I know I won’t let that happen in ’17 BC I need this in my life & gah I’ve missed it! I have many plans & things to share with you all! I’ll be adding some things to the blog and changing a few things as well. I hope you all stick around to see them. 

Well, that’s all for now! 

💖 Single Mom Talk

30 Writing Challenge { Day 4}

Here we are for Day 4 of our 30DWC. Well, lets get to it! 

Day 4 | Write about someone who inspires you. 

I could say a couple different people honestly,  but I’ll keep this post simple. For me someone inspiring isn’t about how much you do or how big of a success you are. It is also about WHO they are and how beautiful of a person you are as well. I have that come to mind and I want to talk about them. 

First is my mother. She has endured much in her life. From two parents that didn’t really know how to be or even want to be parents to almost being killed. Struggling as a single mom, giving a child up for adoption because it was best for him, drug abuse, & a marriage that took the life out of her. She has taught me though to always strive forward and to keep my head up. She has showed me how to survive & deal with stress & pain in a way I can handle it. She isn’t perfect & we disagree plenty but through it all she has a strength that inspires me every day. I hope that I can carry that same inspiration to my children as they grow up. 

I love you mom. 

Secondly, my Uncle B’s daughter, Kiddo (obviously not her name but she will be name that here on SMT). See my Uncle B passed away when Kiddo was just 5/6. She barely remembers the sound of his voice or what he looks like without pictures. Her mom hasn’t been there as she should and Kiddo has lived with her moms Mother. What a blessing it has been of course, because she has had a great lil country girls life.  However this kid has endured practically losing her mother as well, not much connection from anyone on her daddys side, and a constant heartbreak for years. My mom and I have kept in touch and been active in her life but that is just about it for Uncle B’s side. It hurts her. But she keeps on. She watches her mom struggle back and forth and hurts more. She misses a man she doesn’t even remember.  Shes driving now and has her first JOB and lives a good life.  But the pain is in her eyes. She’s an inspiration to me because Im not sure I could have went on like her. Nor do I think I could be such a beautiful person as she has turned out to be. She is but a child tho very much inspires me at 28. 

He would be proud. So very proud. I love you Kiddo & Uncle B. 

So there they are and I love them!  Who inspires you?
Later Loves!

{Single Mom Talk}

30 Day Writing Challenge { Day 3}

Hey guys! I’m back for Day 3! So far I’m liking these prompts they are making me think much like Reverb did and I really like that. So here we go now with Day 3.

Day 3 | What are your 3 biggest pet peeves.

Oh my! I have a lot! Yes I’m one of those people. But I’ll try to give only the top 3!

1.) Liars/Cheaters- I cannot stand people that lie and cheat! I understand that sometimes you have a to tell a lil white lie here n there. We are human and that’s life. However,  I’m speaking in terms of a relationship. It makes me sick!  Romantically there is no reason what so ever you should lie or cheat on your spouse or be lie n cheated on. Its disgusting and cowardly to me. I mean you gave this person your word and commitment to be with them and them alone. Doing this to someone isn’t something they can just forget and get over. They’ll never forget that heartbreak; ever! If your so unhappy that you turn to another person while committed to someone else its simple : LEAVE THEM!  Do not be a coward and do it behind their back. How can you lay down at night with them and know you were in the arms of someone else when they believe to be your only one? How can you look at yourself knowing your lying and cheating on the person who believes they have your whole heart and attention? If you can be brave enough to lie and cheat why can’t you stand up to your actions? No amount of words can fix the emotional pain and horror of what it does to you. I can’t stand to be a part of it and I can’t stand to have of it done to me. I’ve never cheated on a person and I won’t be starting. I know that pain and I won’t inflict it on someone else; especially someone I’m supposed to love or deeply care for. Its disgusting plain and simple. My ex husband taught me that on a level way too deep.

2.) Smackers- Like were you born in a damm barn? Close your fucking mouth! I can’t stand grown human beings that chew so loudly that you can hear them across the restaurant! My children have been taught since they came off the boob to chew with their mouth closed! Its common sense and its manners! Don’t know them? Learn them! Shhhesshhh!

3.) Lastly, people ( mostly women 95% of the time) that can’t dress right! Oh girl in Wal-Mart shows up in see thru leggins four sizes too small with her camel toe front and center and her big ass belly hanging out sideways! Like you can’t be serious! Did you really walk out thinking you look good?
And these men that are of any races wearing those damm pants so slow that they walk like they have something up their ass to keep em up!
I can’t stand it when grown people wear clothes they know do not fit or look right! My best friend, Shay says she can’t take me to Wal- Mart because every time I do I see someone and I am the person that WILL say something to them! She gets embarrassed every time Lol but I’ve rubbed off on her because she does it to sometimes! Haha love ya Shay!

Anyways that’s all for today! I apologize I didn’t plan on going that far into details!,

Later loves!

{ Single Mom Talk }

Reverb15 Day 1: list & prayers

So its late I can’t do many post but I wanted to get started so I’m gonna do day 1 of #projectreverb15

Let’s get started!

In her seventh ever blog post, all the way back in March 2003(!), the inimitable Andrea Scher wrote: “Maybe lists are like prayers.”

What sorts of lists do you have on the go at the moment? What do they suggest you are praying for?

Well, right now my list is consisting of getting this new house settled & my kids Christmas list. If I should note all my list I’d have to tell you that I also have a list of what I need to do on a daily basis. List are my MUST HAVE! Sometimes without them I forget it all. My calendar book and my list are what I look at every day first thing aside from my kids and my phone.

I’m not sure what they would suggest I’m praying for but if I had to list it I would say; an organized life. Not that it will happen because I am a single mother of 4 young children, but a girl can dream right?

I’m praying for love and consistency in my life right now. I need that so much it hurts! My kids and friends and what family I do have in my life keep me full of love and I’m so thankful for that. However, I need that special someone in my life and I’ve just not got it right now. But who knows maybe he’s right around the corner, eh?

In spirit of the first reverb post I’ll make a short list just becaue I can’t talk about list and NOT make one!

What I need to do for this coming week:

  1. get moved fully into the apartment
  2. get cable and net turned on in the apartment
  3. get the kids enrolled for homeschool
  4. get the supplies and books for the kids schooling
  5. get my apartment papers turned in
  6. catch up on Reverb15
  7. call and schedule my “lady Dr.” appointment
  8. call and schedule my lil families eye appointments

Welp, that’s all for now!

{ Single Mom Talk }

“Projects”

Alright, so my last post/ poem was a bit deep and dark right? I think making a post in the middle of a breakdown and tear session isn’t always a good idea. So I apologize! Although, looking at it today I am pretty sure I pegged it on the head of how I’ve been feeling. Just so down and dark lately, but I’m already getting better I promise.

My life guys has just been way to up and down lately and it was getting to me. I needed that breakdown more than I knew though because I feel better and am hopeful now. I’m very blessed in this life and I have to keep remembering that; never forget.

Being overwhelmed can kick your ass!

So back in September I moved into a more affordable house right? I went from $675/mthly to $450/mthly because I knew I was in over my head. I thought for sure I’d be able to swing this one. Even though it was just a 2 bedroom and super small I was going to make it work. Well, I was wrong! By the time I added up all my bills I was no better off with what my job pays me. Rent, lights, water, phone bill, car payment, car insurance, gas to/from work & kids school, cable (no net bc it was in the middle of nowhere and net wouldn’t pick up). My bills were over $800 a month!!! Single mom of 4 on a minimum wage job in Alabama???? Not ‘effin happening!

I got WAY in over my head for moving out of government housing back in 2013. I wanted to get out and not been seen as a “welfare mom”. Let me tell you that is so damm ridiculous! Just because someone lives in a government house does not mean they are on welfare or pieces of shit! It means they are providing the best possible home for their family that they can. And that is what I am about to do. 

I’ll admit it. I cannot make it right now outside of them. My bills are just too much for me. And I want to do it on my own so I am going to do what I have to do. I’ve been overloaded and wondering what I’m going to do so that I can pay all my bills and it just couldn’t happen. So I’ve settled my losses and scores and I’ll be moving into my new apartment this weekend while the kids are with J.

I have no choice! This situation is mostly what has me feeling like a failure and putting me into a depression and I have to pull up out of it. Financial help doesn’t always come from J so I have to do what I can. The kids loved their life the last time we did this and I’m hoping to give them the same kind of happiness again.

I’ll be able to afford the new rent with NO PROBLEMS! And it opens a lot of doors for us now. I can work a lil less hours to spend more time at home with the kids, I can home school them like I’ve been wanting too, I can focus back on my photography again, and I can get back to living instead of feeling like a drone! We need this!

I want all of you single moms to understand something. Do not let the “projects” scare you or make you feel lesser than! Its not where your home is; its where you make your home! Be proud and make your life better because you have the option too. Still work and spend more time with your kids. Save a ton of money so you can one day buy your own home! Be proud that your providing your kids a place ON YOUR OWN and that its within your means! You got this! I’ll post more soon.

 

{Single Mom Talk}

Out of Control

Out of control

Falling and rolling on a downward fall

Beaten and bruised beyond repair

Tears and pain fill my soul

Life right now, I feel is beyond my control.

One step forward and ten steps back

Around and around repeating it all; like a never ending ball

Stress and fear consuming my every thought

I cannot bring myself out of this deep black hole.

Head under water and an anchor on my feet

Drowning & gasping for air

All I want is to get my head above water; to be able to breath.

Finding a way to make it better

Needing the sun to shine and the water to drain

So I can simply break free of the anchor and walk away.

I’ve got to find a way because they need me

But how do I pull up when I’m so far under yet again?

Breaking free is a must and giving up is not something I can do

I can’t take this feeling of being out of control; I’ll find a way.

No more. No more…

Out of control

{{{{ I don’t write poems anymore, though I used too. This just came to me bcause of how I’m feeling. I don’t need any judgements on it because it will only make my day worse. But as always please feel free to leave your comments and suggestions. 🙂 }}}}}}

God will make a way then there seems to be no way

God will make a way then there seems to be no way

let your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile

let your smile change the world, but don’t let the world change your smile

You have the POWER to say this is NOT how the story ENDS

You have the POWER to say this is NOT how the story ENDS

P.S I’m sure I’ll be OK…just one of those days.