“Projects”

Alright, so my last post/ poem was a bit deep and dark right? I think making a post in the middle of a breakdown and tear session isn’t always a good idea. So I apologize! Although, looking at it today I am pretty sure I pegged it on the head of how I’ve been feeling. Just so down and dark lately, but I’m already getting better I promise.

My life guys has just been way to up and down lately and it was getting to me. I needed that breakdown more than I knew though because I feel better and am hopeful now. I’m very blessed in this life and I have to keep remembering that; never forget.

Being overwhelmed can kick your ass!

So back in September I moved into a more affordable house right? I went from $675/mthly to $450/mthly because I knew I was in over my head. I thought for sure I’d be able to swing this one. Even though it was just a 2 bedroom and super small I was going to make it work. Well, I was wrong! By the time I added up all my bills I was no better off with what my job pays me. Rent, lights, water, phone bill, car payment, car insurance, gas to/from work & kids school, cable (no net bc it was in the middle of nowhere and net wouldn’t pick up). My bills were over $800 a month!!! Single mom of 4 on a minimum wage job in Alabama???? Not ‘effin happening!

I got WAY in over my head for moving out of government housing back in 2013. I wanted to get out and not been seen as a “welfare mom”. Let me tell you that is so damm ridiculous! Just because someone lives in a government house does not mean they are on welfare or pieces of shit! It means they are providing the best possible home for their family that they can. And that is what I am about to do. 

I’ll admit it. I cannot make it right now outside of them. My bills are just too much for me. And I want to do it on my own so I am going to do what I have to do. I’ve been overloaded and wondering what I’m going to do so that I can pay all my bills and it just couldn’t happen. So I’ve settled my losses and scores and I’ll be moving into my new apartment this weekend while the kids are with J.

I have no choice! This situation is mostly what has me feeling like a failure and putting me into a depression and I have to pull up out of it. Financial help doesn’t always come from J so I have to do what I can. The kids loved their life the last time we did this and I’m hoping to give them the same kind of happiness again.

I’ll be able to afford the new rent with NO PROBLEMS! And it opens a lot of doors for us now. I can work a lil less hours to spend more time at home with the kids, I can home school them like I’ve been wanting too, I can focus back on my photography again, and I can get back to living instead of feeling like a drone! We need this!

I want all of you single moms to understand something. Do not let the “projects” scare you or make you feel lesser than! Its not where your home is; its where you make your home! Be proud and make your life better because you have the option too. Still work and spend more time with your kids. Save a ton of money so you can one day buy your own home! Be proud that your providing your kids a place ON YOUR OWN and that its within your means! You got this! I’ll post more soon.

 

{Single Mom Talk}

Out of Control

Out of control

Falling and rolling on a downward fall

Beaten and bruised beyond repair

Tears and pain fill my soul

Life right now, I feel is beyond my control.

One step forward and ten steps back

Around and around repeating it all; like a never ending ball

Stress and fear consuming my every thought

I cannot bring myself out of this deep black hole.

Head under water and an anchor on my feet

Drowning & gasping for air

All I want is to get my head above water; to be able to breath.

Finding a way to make it better

Needing the sun to shine and the water to drain

So I can simply break free of the anchor and walk away.

I’ve got to find a way because they need me

But how do I pull up when I’m so far under yet again?

Breaking free is a must and giving up is not something I can do

I can’t take this feeling of being out of control; I’ll find a way.

No more. No more…

Out of control

{{{{ I don’t write poems anymore, though I used too. This just came to me bcause of how I’m feeling. I don’t need any judgements on it because it will only make my day worse. But as always please feel free to leave your comments and suggestions. 🙂 }}}}}}

God will make a way then there seems to be no way

let your smile change the world, but don’t let the world change your smile

You have the POWER to say this is NOT how the story ENDS

P.S I’m sure I’ll be OK…just one of those days.

PROJECT REVERB | REVERB14 | DECEMBER 7

PROJECT REVERB 2014
REVERB14 is a prompt-a-day series for the month of December designed to reflect on 2014 and project on hopes and dreams for 2015. I didn’t get to do this on a blog last year but this year I am for sure! I think it’s a great way to better myself for the year to come! It can be challenging, fun, & rewarding! There are many different Host that someone can do this with but my favorite is the simple Project Reverb { http://www.projectreverb.com/ } It was the original I found and I love the host! So if you want to join just check em out 🙂

December 7
Victory Laps: What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
Well……… I guess it would be not letting J get away with not helping me anymore. I finally went and filed against him for child support. It’s been hard doing all this on my own financially without him. Raising four kids is hard enough but to do it without any help financially from someone is even harder. I’ve never done anything about it because I always hoped he’d do it on his own and I didn’t want the stress on me, him, or the kids for that matter.
But when I see his new cars, outings to restaurants’, tattoos, fancy apartment and all its nice things I realize that he CAN help me but CHOOSES not to. So I finally went and got enforcement for the help. And were are due in court on Jan. 15th to take make sure that it gets taken care of. Now I don’t have a clue what happens on that date but I know that he will see that I will not take him neglecting the kids that way.
I don’t understand how he doesn’t do better. Yeah he says that he can’t keep a job but that shouldn’t matter. He should do whatever he can for them. He doesn’t’ have to give me money I just want him to help. Buy diapers, clothes, shoes, school stuff, and whatever else they need. But he won’t do that either and I don’t have a clue why. But soon it won’t even matter anymore because I know that it will be began to be taken care of; at least he won’t be able to ignore it any longer.
So I am proud of myself for that. I consider it a big accomplishment. Not letting him get by with it any longer. Doing something that I know is right because he needs and should be helping. And this is the only way to make sure that it gets done.

{Single Mom Talk}

PROJECT REVERB | REVERB14 | DECEMBER 6

PROJECT REVERB 2014
REVERB14 is a prompt-a-day series for the month of December designed to reflect on 2014 and project on hopes and dreams for 2015. I didn’t get to do this on a blog last year but this year I am for sure! I think it’s a great way to better myself for the year to come! It can be challenging, fun, & rewarding! There are many different Host that someone can do this with but my favorite is the simple Project Reverb { http://www.projectreverb.com/ } It was the original I found and I love the host! So if you want to join just check em out 🙂

December 6
Money. Where did you spend your money this year? Did you save it instead? What, if anything, would you like to do with your finances this year?
I don’t have a clue where all my money went this year. Seriously I am broke. I don’t have a penny to count for. I spent it on moving twice, a truck (that got taken), clothes, shoes, bills, trying to make the studio happen, and who knows what else. All I know is that I don’t have a thing to show for it. Wow. These post are making me sound like I’m a huge whiner and I’m not, but shit answering these honestly and I find myself reading them going, “what the hell Candace?”
I wish I had saved money. That is my only statement on the second part of the prompt.
If given the opportunity there are two things I’d like to do. 1. Is SAVE IT! As much as possible I’d like to save it! So that if needed at some point in the year or years ahead I will have something to fall back on and not be left on my ass anymore! And for 2. I would like to be productive and invest into our future. Whether it be a business, our home, a car. Whatever it might be I’d like to make sure I use it wisely. I don’t want my kids to be let down and I don’t want to be so careless and stupid next go around. So I plan on finding out just what I have to do to not do what I did this year.

 

{Single Mom Talk}

Failure

So my last post was very personal. I almost didn’t post it, but if I’m going to be honest and raw on here then it needed to be posted.

So it seems my choice to leave Alabama was a bad one. Nothing worked out here. The studio- gone. Other jobs- none. My home- too much and everything else failed! I got evicted from my home. My kids lost that beautiful home we had and it’s all my fault. I failed.
So I picked up and moved to where else…..but Alabama.
I’ve learned my lesson. Don’t move into a home that’s more than you can afford from day one, because you can’t count on that job to pay you more. This time I will chose something more affordable and will not stop til I get a great job. I will be closer to friends and family who can help me more and this time I can make a difference.
Someone recently told me that I moved on a whim to TN without good reason. Said that I was failing my kids and putting them through what I went through as a kid. It hurt. Maybe their right but I’m trying like hell to get it right. See what that person and some other people don’t get is I’m going to make mistakes. I’m a human, a mother, and a single mother at that. Everyone makes mistakes. Since the divorce I feel like the TN move was my biggest mistake, the only on that really matters. But I didn’t do it on a whim actually I planned it out and I tried like hell to make it work. It didn’t go my way for whatever reason. I may be getting hit hard right now, but I’ll get through it.

I can’t go back so I must move forward.
I do feel like I’ve failed and let them down. And that hurts me the most.
But its going to happen, right? We will fail and that not what is most important. What’s important is how we get back up and do to fix it. Failure is a lot to deal with but its part of life. We will fail, fall apart, and lose. Of course those are the three things in life we don’t want to do the most.

Yeah, I had to stop cosmetology school too. My personal biggest disappointment. I was loving every minute of it. I loved the people, the program, and the school but there was nothing I could do. All I can do now is try again. Once I get settled find a school and enroll! Don’t waste time or make excuses and just do it.

“Our failures do not define us. Our actions do.”- Anonymous

So I failed. What I do now matters!
If you fail just realize what you did wrong and fix it! Don’t let it happen again. Be sure to succeed next time!.
• I’ve got to get a more affordable place- even if its smaller
• I’ve got to get a job making $10+ an hour
• Don’t let people live with me and count on them to help me
• Plan EVERYTHING!
• Take it slow!
And most important DON’T GIVE UP!

{Single Mom Talk}

Changing Game

❤

Sometimes we forget that we have to stand for making changes. Its easy to let everything just be and let it stay the same. But that’s not what we should do, is it?

I know after the divorce I did exactly that. I didn’t even have it in my mind to make any major changes in my (our) lives until this year. Honestly, being afraid kept me from embracing change. I’ve still not done the best with change, but its changing and it’s got to be accepted one way or another.

I mean lets get real. Change in mandatory. Why? Because everything changed when you signed those divorce papers or left him, or when he left you: when you became a single mom. Its’ scary right? I mean here you are left raising this child or these children by yourself and your not sure your ready for it right? Even with family & friends help its still scary, at least it was to me.

But life changed. It always does. It will change 100 more times before Jesus calls you home. Your entire way of life has changed. The way you think, the way you breath, the way you go to bed at night, the way you go to the grocery store, the routine of bedtime, your mornings, your dinners, your showers, the way you plan to do things in the future: Everything has changed! Here’s the thing. There is no way of changing that right now. So for the moment you have to accept it and decide how you want to deal with the change.

When I started this blog it was solely to share my journey of being a single mother and hopefully help another single mom out there, to share some comfort and outsider-experienced point of views on things. Although, that is still very much true I have realized that this blogs helps me through the changes in  my life.

I enrolled in Georgia Career Institute for cosmetology this week. I start October 6th. I’ve always wanted to go to school for something and this is fulfilling that goal. I’ve been putting it off for the longest time. My life isn’t just suited for school but also I’ve put it off because I’m afraid 1. I’ll fail 2. what changes it’ll bring & 3. it isn’t right for me. I always doubt myself. Always. But that’s going to change. I’m going to make that change. I’ve tried online school and though I do great academically I always quit because I get bored. But this is on campus M-F from 9-4 every week. I mean I’ll be tired but that’s part of life right?

I hate that this will cut time away from the kids, but I’ve got to better myself so that I can better their life. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make on behalf of us all. I want to be able to completely support them alone; that’s a goal of time.

Changes are scary but if you make them yourself they can be less scary, don’t you think? Making them ourselves gives us a chance to be prepared.

I think preparation is the key.

If your not happy with where your life is: change it. Do something about it. Want to go to college, get a job, save money, live on your own, and love your children all at the same time? DO IT! YOU CAN! Make a plan and do it!

Always start at the basic most easiest and go from there. Don’t overwhelm yourself. This is my plan. And I think it can work. I guess we will see!

Here are some links to help you get started. If there is anything else you think you need help finding let me know 🙂 I’d love to help.

• State by state available resources for families——- http://www.childcareaware.org/node/1405
• Single Parents Alliance of America ( all kind of help for single parents)——- http://www.spaoa.org/splash/?aid=to9sih&keyword=housing%20assistance%20for%20single%20mothers&type=b&publisher=http://www.google.com/aclk?sa=l&group=New_Search_Housing_Single_Mother
• Rental assistance for single mothers——- http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/rental_assistance_for_single_m.html
• Grants for single mothers—– https://singlemotherguide.com/grants-for-single-mothers/

That’s all for now. Talk soon.

{Single Mom Talk} ❤

Its Time

I’ve always told myself that I’d be fair to J with child support. Where most are hungry for money and for the man to support them fully I’m not that way. Since the divorce I’ve with him 100% and never hounded him for money. But he never holds his end of the deal. He will help for a good month or so then he will stop. I’m left telling the kids no cheerleading, no baseball, no dance and no karate. I’m lucky to pull enough for the field trips and ice cream money at school.
When I moved to Tn it was about changes and making our lives better. This means making him hold his father duties high. In April/May time frame I went to the child support office and filed on him. Its taken me years to actually do this because I didn’t want to cause conflict between us. But I can no longer do that, in fact I filed for the past two years back child support and current as well. I gave him credit for every penny he has helped with so far but still he was drastically behind.

Now fast forward a few months. He’s pissed because TN served him at his home with papers. Said he had 30 days to turn something in or fight it in court. Said that they would begin to take action against him if he continues to neglect his children financially. He asked me to stop it! He actually calmed me all calm and shit but then told me I needed to stop it so that we could arrange something in-between the two of us, which of course means I GET NOTHING FOR THESE KIDS! I told him straight up that no there was nothing I could do and it was out of my hands from now on.
That was hard. I never wanted it to come to this but shit I can only do so much. It was hard because the instant tension was overwhelming.

Anyways, as of today his accounts-bank accounts that is and anyone else’s who has his name on them are frozen. They are beginning to look into his income and bank accounts to get ready to take money from him. He is livid of course. Tells me that because of me he can’t do anything that his mother in law has nothing to do with this and her accounts shouldn’t be frozen. He’s going to sue TN for doing this to them. Ha! Yeah I’d like to see that happen. I just laughed in his face because that is crap. He is simply facing the consequences of his actions of the past two years!
Now, do I feel bad? Yeah, a little but I don’t think it’s hurting him really. I think it’s time he learns he cannot do what he wants all the time. He cannot keep hurting people in so many ways that there is no repair and he cannot make children with someone and then think that after divorce he doesn’t have to help financially take care of them! Not anymore!
Yes the tension is crazy! But you know what I don’t really care anymore. I mean should I at this point? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Let me tell you…
NO!
No longer should we let them think they have control. There isn’t anything they can get away with anymore, is that what happen while we were with them?!
Its over!
The marriage/relationship, cheating, lying, the abuse, and the controlling! It’s all over and one with!
Don’t let that control continue anymore. Do something for your kids and yourself. I know I sure as hell am.

Its time.
Time he knows I’m done playing his stupid ass games!

❤

{Single Mom Talk

Longing

I’m standing in my kitchen looking at my life standing still. J is in my living room playing with the kids and joking with me and the kids are laughing and my view is blinding. For a moment everything was as it used to be. It’s like nothing changed. He was still here in our lives and we were all happy.
An hour later I’m standing on my front porch watching him leaving TN with our kids in his car for the weekend. I’m left wondering if I should have kept on fighting for our family. Should I have kept us together longer? Was I being selfish for giving up and being tired of it all? Did I make the wrong choice?
I can’t deny that I miss my life with him. There were a lot of laughs & great times. He was my best friend after all.
But all that hurt and pain from the cheating and all the strength it took to fight off his mother changed me. Every day of living that life changed me. In the end what caught up with me and what broke me down.
I know in my heart the last year he and I spent together he was wonderful. He didn’t cheat. He didn’t have the chance to really, but still I could feel it. I was on bed rest with Jay and he did everything he could to make life easier for us all. I will never forget how great he was that last year. So why did I leave of all times? Why would I leave when everything seemed to finally be working out? Well, I was depressed for one, made the mistake of separating him and me (Haylie had an audition in TN and he went to find us a place in Bama). I remember the moment I knew I was done like it was yesterday. I was in the car and we were talking about places we had each found. He told me “I found a place in Harvest. It’s in our budget and its in the fire department district”. Even though we had both agreed that Harvest was the one place we did not want to be just to be certain we weren’t too close to her. I explained to him our agreement and he says “Well, I’ve found a great place and you can either move in with me or it is what it is”.
Three days later I filed for divorce.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be in a constant fight anymore. Not with J. Not with his Mother. Not with Us. I was done.
But what if I had just stayed through the depression? Where would we be? I’m really not sure. But sometimes I just wonder. My life without him is so different. But it’s the same too. I am still fighting and fighting, just very different battles and wars now.
So what was the point in leaving at all???

I hate this. Hate this feeling.
Even more I hate when these moments find me and I can’t control them and I can’t prepare for them. Ya’ll beware because they will hit you too. Even when you think they won’t they will? And no matter your situation you’ll find yourself wondering where you’d be now and you’ll miss him. It’s inevitable.
It makes me sad, angry, empty, lonely, bitter, & hollow. That’s the best way to describe it. Those are the emotions & feelings I get.
So what do I do? What can you do? Write. That’s what we are all doing isn’t it. Writing and reading what others write. To find someone to relate too and to find a way to get it all off our chest. Talk and know that in that moment there was no other option or choice for you. There was no way to fix it and it’s what needed to be done.
Life will sort back out and it may be without him or with him but either way it has to happen on God’s time.
Try to stay focused on the here and now not the past and what was.
It will help. It does me every single day.

❤

{Single Mom Talk}

Short Comings

Over a month and I’ve not even tapped into this blog. I’m already falling short of what I wanted to do with this.  I cannot let that happen.  It means to much to me. I think I let it fall short because I feel like no one reads it.  Then again I’ve only had it up two months not shared it much. But in the same since I think I do this with many different aspects of my life.

Let things fall short.

I get unmotivated.  I get down.
I feel unwelcomed in my own life.

So I just let it go. Fall short of what I really need to do.

I have to stop that! Happen to you much?  I mean it happens before I can even realize it’s happening. You knoe what I mean? Seems like one day it’s fine. Then the next I look up and see failure and let down. 

I cannot stand that. Failure and letdown. Its happened to much in my life. But I’ve done it.

My studio?  Barely touched. It needs painting, nee floors, selves, bacdrops, lights and so much more.  And here I am just doing nothing.  I’ve somehow let it fall short and it’s the one thing in my life I was certain about.

Losing weight? Yeah right. I’m still right where I was! I’ve kept shoving the worst foods in my mouth and then feel bad later.

Found a 9-5 job? No! I keep looking bit get nowhere.  Just seems like I have nothing to offer and I’ve just accepted that. What more can I do? anything!  But I’m doing nothing. 

How the hell do we let this happen?  What makes us do these things?  I’m not sure but I’m going to try like hell not stop them from now on.

See its not that I’m depressed or something.  Because in reality I’m not! My life isn’t going bad. It’s pretty straight actually.  But still I’m feeling this way. 

And there is this part of my brain that likes to take over and drag me down.  I think this happens because we are so used to bad and being down that our minds feel we have to have some part  of life in the dumps. But see that’s not true. WE are the ones who have to change that.

So here I am @12am deciding to stop and take a look at my short comings and Conquer them before they conquer me.

Don’t let YOU get the best of you. Remember that for every hard moment there is an easier one to come. 

I know this post is a drag. But I’m only being honest.  In this moment in my bed I feel like I’ve hit my bumbed out moment since my move…

However. …like most things. ..

This too shall pass

♥ Single Mom Talk