30 Writing Challenge { Day 4}

Here we are for Day 4 of our 30DWC. Well, lets get to it! 

Day 4 | Write about someone who inspires you. 

I could say a couple different people honestly,  but I’ll keep this post simple. For me someone inspiring isn’t about how much you do or how big of a success you are. It is also about WHO they are and how beautiful of a person you are as well. I have that come to mind and I want to talk about them. 

First is my mother. She has endured much in her life. From two parents that didn’t really know how to be or even want to be parents to almost being killed. Struggling as a single mom, giving a child up for adoption because it was best for him, drug abuse, & a marriage that took the life out of her. She has taught me though to always strive forward and to keep my head up. She has showed me how to survive & deal with stress & pain in a way I can handle it. She isn’t perfect & we disagree plenty but through it all she has a strength that inspires me every day. I hope that I can carry that same inspiration to my children as they grow up. 

I love you mom. 

Secondly, my Uncle B’s daughter, Kiddo (obviously not her name but she will be name that here on SMT). See my Uncle B passed away when Kiddo was just 5/6. She barely remembers the sound of his voice or what he looks like without pictures. Her mom hasn’t been there as she should and Kiddo has lived with her moms Mother. What a blessing it has been of course, because she has had a great lil country girls life.  However this kid has endured practically losing her mother as well, not much connection from anyone on her daddys side, and a constant heartbreak for years. My mom and I have kept in touch and been active in her life but that is just about it for Uncle B’s side. It hurts her. But she keeps on. She watches her mom struggle back and forth and hurts more. She misses a man she doesn’t even remember.  Shes driving now and has her first JOB and lives a good life.  But the pain is in her eyes. She’s an inspiration to me because Im not sure I could have went on like her. Nor do I think I could be such a beautiful person as she has turned out to be. She is but a child tho very much inspires me at 28. 

He would be proud. So very proud. I love you Kiddo & Uncle B. 

So there they are and I love them!  Who inspires you?
Later Loves!

{Single Mom Talk}

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Decide

Did you know that 50% of people who start school online just quit? They just give up and stop because the get behind or something happens and they feel like they cannot do it. That’s why its so hard to get a degree online because so many people just stop. But there are thousands of people who need to get their degree’s online becasue its the only option.

I wish that we had a way of making sure 100% success with online college students. For me this hits close to home because I am just a few weeks into school (online) and I already am at that point where I want to quit. I’ve gotten behind and I’m just overwhelmed. Not to mention I just don’t know about this “math” thing I’m doing right now! Uhh! just doesn’t even seem possible to finish. But I’ve only got 5 weeks per class! That goes by in a flash and I cannot give up now.

So what do we do when we hit this spot. Here we are single mother with no work experience and needing a degree to land a good paying job but feeling overwhelmed to finish. Well, what we do is suck it up! I’ve already slacked! I’ve known I had a paper due and decided to go out instead, I’ve known every Wednesday I have a discussion quesition due but failed to post. Because I felt like giving up.

When we reach this spot all we have to do is decide how important this degree is to us. Example, if we decide we want to go out with some friends we are going to make that important and not let anything get in the way of that. Its the same thing! We just have to make sure we claim it as important! Otherwise we will fail and its too important to for that. So make this a priority, make it something that you decide nothing will get in the way!

You are important and this is a part of you!

This is a part of me 🙂

{Single Mom Talk}

How does it not Consume You?

OK so today’s post doesn’t have a super message or a inspiring thought. Its just me and my random thoughts. It might be long, I don’t know so just be warned! 🙂

My kids have given me such an amazing strength. I don’t know if I will ever be able to give them the kid of life they deserve, but I know that I am giving it my all. I want so much for them. I want to give them a beautiful home where they each have their own room, with a back yard and huge place set, I want to have them involved in every sport they want, I want to take them out shopping on the weekends, I want to do their parties at Chucky Cheese every year, I want to have them look at me and see the most amazing mom and role model of their lifetime. I want them to be proud of me and not ashamed of me. I want to know that when they look at me they see something and someone good on the inside and someone to look up too. I want to know that they KNOW without a doubt that I love them more than my own life.

I want to know I’m doing a great job.

I doubt myself and I shouldn’t but I do. Because there are so many things I’m not doing for them and I want too. It will happen in time I know but I still dream for so much. My biggest fault is I doubt myself. I need strength to find the ability to not do this. Doubt is my biggest downfall. I can’t let it consume me.

When you doubt yourself. Please tell me, how do you not let the doubt consume your life?

{ Single Mom Talk }

PROJECT REVERB | REVERB14 | DECEMBER 6

PROJECT REVERB 2014
REVERB14 is a prompt-a-day series for the month of December designed to reflect on 2014 and project on hopes and dreams for 2015. I didn’t get to do this on a blog last year but this year I am for sure! I think it’s a great way to better myself for the year to come! It can be challenging, fun, & rewarding! There are many different Host that someone can do this with but my favorite is the simple Project Reverb { http://www.projectreverb.com/ } It was the original I found and I love the host! So if you want to join just check em out 🙂

December 6
Money. Where did you spend your money this year? Did you save it instead? What, if anything, would you like to do with your finances this year?
I don’t have a clue where all my money went this year. Seriously I am broke. I don’t have a penny to count for. I spent it on moving twice, a truck (that got taken), clothes, shoes, bills, trying to make the studio happen, and who knows what else. All I know is that I don’t have a thing to show for it. Wow. These post are making me sound like I’m a huge whiner and I’m not, but shit answering these honestly and I find myself reading them going, “what the hell Candace?”
I wish I had saved money. That is my only statement on the second part of the prompt.
If given the opportunity there are two things I’d like to do. 1. Is SAVE IT! As much as possible I’d like to save it! So that if needed at some point in the year or years ahead I will have something to fall back on and not be left on my ass anymore! And for 2. I would like to be productive and invest into our future. Whether it be a business, our home, a car. Whatever it might be I’d like to make sure I use it wisely. I don’t want my kids to be let down and I don’t want to be so careless and stupid next go around. So I plan on finding out just what I have to do to not do what I did this year.

 

{Single Mom Talk}

Changing Game

<3

Sometimes we forget that we have to stand for making changes. Its easy to let everything just be and let it stay the same. But that’s not what we should do, is it?

I know after the divorce I did exactly that. I didn’t even have it in my mind to make any major changes in my (our) lives until this year. Honestly, being afraid kept me from embracing change. I’ve still not done the best with change, but its changing and it’s got to be accepted one way or another.

I mean lets get real. Change in mandatory. Why? Because everything changed when you signed those divorce papers or left him, or when he left you: when you became a single mom. Its’ scary right? I mean here you are left raising this child or these children by yourself and your not sure your ready for it right? Even with family & friends help its still scary, at least it was to me.

But life changed. It always does. It will change 100 more times before Jesus calls you home. Your entire way of life has changed. The way you think, the way you breath, the way you go to bed at night, the way you go to the grocery store, the routine of bedtime, your mornings, your dinners, your showers, the way you plan to do things in the future: Everything has changed! Here’s the thing. There is no way of changing that right now. So for the moment you have to accept it and decide how you want to deal with the change.

When I started this blog it was solely to share my journey of being a single mother and hopefully help another single mom out there, to share some comfort and outsider-experienced point of views on things. Although, that is still very much true I have realized that this blogs helps me through the changes in  my life.

I enrolled in Georgia Career Institute for cosmetology this week. I start October 6th. I’ve always wanted to go to school for something and this is fulfilling that goal. I’ve been putting it off for the longest time. My life isn’t just suited for school but also I’ve put it off because I’m afraid 1. I’ll fail 2. what changes it’ll bring & 3. it isn’t right for me. I always doubt myself. Always. But that’s going to change. I’m going to make that change. I’ve tried online school and though I do great academically I always quit because I get bored. But this is on campus M-F from 9-4 every week. I mean I’ll be tired but that’s part of life right?

I hate that this will cut time away from the kids, but I’ve got to better myself so that I can better their life. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make on behalf of us all. I want to be able to completely support them alone; that’s a goal of time.

Changes are scary but if you make them yourself they can be less scary, don’t you think? Making them ourselves gives us a chance to be prepared.

I think preparation is the key.

If your not happy with where your life is: change it. Do something about it. Want to go to college, get a job, save money, live on your own, and love your children all at the same time? DO IT! YOU CAN! Make a plan and do it!

Always start at the basic most easiest and go from there. Don’t overwhelm yourself. This is my plan. And I think it can work. I guess we will see!

Here are some links to help you get started. If there is anything else you think you need help finding let me know 🙂 I’d love to help.

That’s all for now. Talk soon.

{Single Mom Talk} ❤

Longing

I’m standing in my kitchen looking at my life standing still. J is in my living room playing with the kids and joking with me and the kids are laughing and my view is blinding. For a moment everything was as it used to be. It’s like nothing changed. He was still here in our lives and we were all happy.
An hour later I’m standing on my front porch watching him leaving TN with our kids in his car for the weekend. I’m left wondering if I should have kept on fighting for our family. Should I have kept us together longer? Was I being selfish for giving up and being tired of it all? Did I make the wrong choice?
I can’t deny that I miss my life with him. There were a lot of laughs & great times. He was my best friend after all.
But all that hurt and pain from the cheating and all the strength it took to fight off his mother changed me. Every day of living that life changed me. In the end what caught up with me and what broke me down.
I know in my heart the last year he and I spent together he was wonderful. He didn’t cheat. He didn’t have the chance to really, but still I could feel it. I was on bed rest with Jay and he did everything he could to make life easier for us all. I will never forget how great he was that last year. So why did I leave of all times? Why would I leave when everything seemed to finally be working out? Well, I was depressed for one, made the mistake of separating him and me (Haylie had an audition in TN and he went to find us a place in Bama). I remember the moment I knew I was done like it was yesterday. I was in the car and we were talking about places we had each found. He told me “I found a place in Harvest. It’s in our budget and its in the fire department district”. Even though we had both agreed that Harvest was the one place we did not want to be just to be certain we weren’t too close to her. I explained to him our agreement and he says “Well, I’ve found a great place and you can either move in with me or it is what it is”.
Three days later I filed for divorce.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be in a constant fight anymore. Not with J. Not with his Mother. Not with Us. I was done.
But what if I had just stayed through the depression? Where would we be? I’m really not sure. But sometimes I just wonder. My life without him is so different. But it’s the same too. I am still fighting and fighting, just very different battles and wars now.
So what was the point in leaving at all???

I hate this. Hate this feeling.
Even more I hate when these moments find me and I can’t control them and I can’t prepare for them. Ya’ll beware because they will hit you too. Even when you think they won’t they will? And no matter your situation you’ll find yourself wondering where you’d be now and you’ll miss him. It’s inevitable.
It makes me sad, angry, empty, lonely, bitter, & hollow. That’s the best way to describe it. Those are the emotions & feelings I get.
So what do I do? What can you do? Write. That’s what we are all doing isn’t it. Writing and reading what others write. To find someone to relate too and to find a way to get it all off our chest. Talk and know that in that moment there was no other option or choice for you. There was no way to fix it and it’s what needed to be done.
Life will sort back out and it may be without him or with him but either way it has to happen on God’s time.
Try to stay focused on the here and now not the past and what was.
It will help. It does me every single day.

{Single Mom Talk}

The Beginning

Well, this post starts it. It begins today and I’m pretty excited. I’ve got a lot planned for this blog and hope that it becomes more than just a place for my thoughts. I hope it becomes single mom’s go to place when they need to smile or know their not alone. I hope I inspire someone, help someone, or simply show others that life can go on when it all falls apart.

I think it’s a good idea to tell you a bit about who I am and where my life stands; a little background if you will. I’ll try to keep short and interesting as possible.

I’d like to tell you I’m “from” a certain place but that’d be a false statement so I’ll tell you this my birth certificate says I was born in big ol’ Dallas, Texas and I spent a few good baby years there. Texas is where mama met papa and and where mama left papa. My mom and dad also had another baby together a year after me, Matty. He however was given up for adoption when I was 15 months old so unfortunately my life didn’t include him until I was 19. But you need to know he’s there. Mom also met Steve the step dad that I wish was all good but he’s not. He’s the one that took my mama from good girl to druggie and alcoholic making her never the same.
By the time I was 7 we (mama and I) had moved to Alabama. Living all over the place I mostly remember living in a hotel that was connected to a bar; which my mother attended on a regular basis. I of course had a live in baby sitter so mama could party at night and play with me in the day time. Now, please dont think badly of my mama because though she was far from perfect she taught me how to be a lady and never failed at making sure I had what I needed and that she loved me. Where it counted she was a great mother. But during those days after we moved from the motel I had to drive her a time or two up Lookout Mountain to our house; and I was only 9. She was bad; alcohol consumed her and anger consumed me.

Over the next few years we bounced from Ga, MO, Tx, Tn, Fl and back to Alabama.

Gurley, Alabama holds the basis for most my good childhood memories and lifelong friends. They are the ones I hold on with all I got because they are the ones that affected me for all my life. To this day those friends and memories have never been replaced. You’ll soon learn about them.

I moved and lived with my granny, aunt, and my mama’s brother many different times. Mama was on the run from the law for years and we were always moving when they got close. But when I was 13 I met the kids daddy and though it wasn’t all done the right way we got married by the time I was just 16. Mama signed and I dropped out in middle of 10th grade to move to NC with J to Camp Lejune. Our life from there just went up and down.

After years of him cheating, us having kids, and me becoming obsessed with being enough for him in 2010 I finally said I’m done and filed for separation. That year I met Edward and he forever changed my life. I spent the next two years putting that man through hell by leaving him and going back to poison with J. But he took me back and gave me a chance and I only shot it to shit. The last time I did it in and he told me goodbye forever.
We all have one big mistake and that was mine; letting him go for J. I’ll never be the same; my heart will never love another like it does him.
In 2012 I filed for divorce from J and went through with it. October of that year it was final and I felt free. Free of all the pain and anger he made me feel. But still it wasn’t over. He made my life hell by leaving me to take care of them on my own (with my mama’s help) I did it though. I never took him for child support and only once for two months did I keep the kids from him. I didn’t want any part of him, even his money. But still the hell continued until 6/8 months ago when he finally decided to start getting his shit together and help me financially support them. He’s a better father today and helps me every week like clock work and its such a relief.

J is remarried now and has a step son. Both the boy and his wife Ash are pleasant. I like her; now. It wasn’t always that way but now yes.

So today at this moment. I live in government housing, 3 bedroom 1 bathroom, feed my kids off food stamps & WIC, work from home doing photography and on a mad job hunt for something more secure. I’m single and not really dating and though mama has been living with me, she will be moving out in April.

I’m ready and able to do this on my own. I feel more ready than ever in my life to do this and I want my journey to be known. I want single parents to know its OK to have help and that its even more OK to do it on your own. You can and I’m going to show you in every way possible.

This isn’t all the details of my life and I’ve left out a bit but piece by piece I’ll feel you in. For now, this is it.

Welcome to Single Mom Talk

~Single Mom Talk